A Secret Pice of Me

A  friend of mine advised me to create a list of things my estranged husband has done to me in these past few months that indicate how he feels about me be that negative or positive, more likely the latter.    THE LIST-positive  1.When he is kind, he is the sweetest man.            2. He helps with things around the house (rear) THE LIST-negative 1. He post songs that I know are for her where I can hear them  2. He post pics here I can see them. 3. He ignores my calls but expects me to always pick up fro him.  5. He doesn't pick up the children on time but expects me not to be late and have their cloths laid out for him every time he comes and when they spend the night, I am supposed to supply the clothing for that to, and he doesn't give them back.   6. He speaks to me as if I were a child. I am sure I could find more things, but I am not trying to get emotional. The fact of the matter is he is a terrible person, and...

  What makes this time in my life difficult is the fact that I have a soon to be ex husband who hasn't actually left us yet. What do I mean by that you may wonder... and rightfully so. Well he comes over whenever and does whatever or whomever (me) he wants to. Whenever he sees fit. And I of course allow this because I feel if I do not, he will leave me for good.  So I am stuck in between a separation and a divorce. Loneliness and companionship. A love hate relationship? married and separated without actually being either of those things. I hate the fact that I still have feelings for him at all and nowhere or into no one to place them. I hate the fact that he talks to "her" infront of me, and he thinks its funny, I hate the fact that he touches me and I melt like putty in his hands. I hate him! I feel as though I am stuck in marriage limbo , and until he lays down with someone else I am forever in this limbo.  But what then follows? Do I want the freedom I believe to be ...

  part 1. The beginning of the End of "US"  These will be a series or short story of MY truth, a separation from the one man I ever deeply loved and was naive to believe we would be forever together.  It happened. The dawn of a new day brought me to my knees in more ways then one. How could he betray me this way how could he to this to his family. It all started 2 winters ago. When I lost my mother and was not allowed to grieve that loss. He told me he was afraid of losing me to the depression. He was desperate for me not to turn into my mother. She was an abuser of her medication. She had many spells. I walked in on her trying to take her own life many times. I of course stopped her. But I digress, when i met my husband back in 2014 I knew I could not allow myself to love this man the way I have loved in the past. I wanted so desperately to maintain the control in this relationship, but I found that I had none whatsoever. In the end it was he that held the key to my hear...

   It's 2003 we live in Ohio , I am 15 years old. that admission that is the hardest one to make to ourselves. And why do we feel this way? Well, I can't speak for all of the Women of this world, however, I can speak for myself. And with my three little  angles , that did not ask to be brought into this terrible situation, deserved better than, ''I'm busy with more important things'' or ''as he put it. I just don't have the time today'' I can, unfortunately, go on and on, with the numerous different things that go on in one head to justify such behavior. But that Is not what this story is about either. Not yet anyway. This story  is about the events that broke me. So let me tell you about my SECOND EVENT or what I like to call deuxieme evenement (French).      I am getting ahead of myself, let me take a step back. Once we moved back to the states my mother settled us in Miami beach. Or at least what I thought was us settling. I was 11 yea...