Ending up with more Questions than answers (in between tails)

 

What makes this time in my life difficult is the fact that I have a soon to be ex husband who hasn't actually left us yet. What do I mean by that you may wonder... and rightfully so. Well he comes over whenever and does whatever or whomever (me) he wants to. Whenever he sees fit. And I of course allow this because I feel if I do not, he will leave me for good. 

So I am stuck in between a separation and a divorce. Loneliness and companionship. A love hate relationship? married and separated without actually being either of those things. I hate the fact that I still have feelings for him at all and nowhere or into no one to place them. I hate the fact that he talks to "her" infront of me, and he thinks its funny, I hate the fact that he touches me and I melt like putty in his hands. I hate him! I feel as though I am stuck in marriage limbo, and until he lays down with someone else I am forever in this limbo. 

But what then follows? Do I want the freedom I believe to be just out of my reach? Its so close I can touch it, I can see its shape though it's invisible to others I see it as a shiny glissen it feels like water smooth and soft but once I touch it, it shatters like glass into a million pieces never to be reconstructed again. What then shall I do? Do I want to continue to allow him "in" whenever he wants or do I begin, to begin again..?

 It is a difficult and complicated situation I have allowed myself to become entrapped in. I do love him but not as I once did. I do not even truly understand what kind of love this is that I  still feel for him. "He saved me" I would say of him, form a tyrant that I was once married to, this man not only mentally abused me but also physically as well. And Jerry saved me I would say to him and of him to others. And now..?and now he's abandoned me and though I blame myself, I can not help feeling, when someone says to you it's over, and walks out  but won't leave your bed when then is it truly over...?

My father says to me all the time,"You should have given yourself time to heal the first time, you didn't heal yourself and now your doing the same thing, give yourself time" And I know he's right but time is my mortal emminy. I hate time. Time has not been good to me. Time takes. And time is ruthless. Time hates and clams loved ones. Time is unforgiving. And Time takes its time to arrive, to heal, to end, to continue, to be born, to die.

So what then follows? I have choices and decisions to make. To allow myself to continue to be used, or to reclaim my self respect, in there by reclaiming myself back. I used to say "I know myself" But since he's walked away, I fear I no longer do. Nine years married to him fifteen years married to my first husband, and now what's left? five children a son and twins from my first and irish twins from my current and 1 house. So it's "time" to find out, to find the answer to the only current question that matters,

      Who am I...?