Going back in Time

  

                                                                    Beginning

    This is the millionth time I have reroute this story and it won't be the last time I edit it either. Bocuses this is more than a story with a simple happy ending, Girl since these are so hard to come by anyhow. No one on this has traumatic event, girl forgives said trespass, girl grows up, girl marries, girl divorces, girl meets man of dreams remarries again, and so on. 

 This is no story pulled from earths immortal being of fairy tales told nor do I have the good since to know when my story is done with a chapter in my life. Well, enough to move on. Especially, in this case with all involved. We as Women of the 21st century tend to suffer in silence and not only for a little while, but for many years. Becoming comfortable in our relationships. In the belief that we will never be able to do better. Or that we deserve better, or even that we are doing the right thing for our children! If you can believe that! That was actually the situation with me. I love....and when I love I love hard!!! And so, it was twice for me. I had loved so hard that is became my undoing. 

    It stated with my father actually. Who can you love more then your own patient?? I was 5 and it was snowing. We lived in NYC, and we had a vary beautiful home. It was three floors, and had serval rooms, that my brother and I loved to play hid and seek in. We lived in a small town just outside the city. Where our school was in walking distance. And our friends across the street. A nice quiet life. My Mother a dutiful wife and mother. She was always there for my brother and I when we needed her. My Father a hard-working husband always home at the same time, as was dinner always at the same time. So, as it was a vary nice family on the outside.

  But even the nicest Family's can be overshadowed by a horrible mistake. And like me vary family we had to endure the consequences of it. With going into vary much detail, that snowy day led to a life changing event. Especially for me then as a child and even now as an adult. I was not rapped as the law would classify the word, as one being entered by another. This was because I was still a virgin afterward. But I was definitely traumatic for me to go through. My Mother had taken to any pills and was unable to come to my aid. I remember pleading for him to stop. After it was over. I was instructed to keep quiet about it and go outside to join my brother. 

  This is something that will and has haunted me through out my life. There is time I am completely ok with everything in my life and, I seem to feel normal. But there are times that I feel like going off the deep end. And even thought I pray that it gets better I now 28 years old with a daughter of my own. Can't ever get myself to be ok with the fact that she is 1 vary affectionate with her father and Stepdad, and 2 not in my eyesight 24-7 I mean it's a trail and tribulation for me it really is.  My Father whom I decided to forgive many years ago, paid a grate deal for his crimes against me. He did his jail time and was stripped of his residency and sent back to his country never to return. Life has been hard. 

   Mind you this time spent in jail was not all at once. No, my brother And I where Frist sent to live with an uncle for 2 years unable to even have contact with my mother. So, she wouldn't be able to tell me what to say. We went to different schools, and I slept on the floor in the living room while my brother and our cousin slept in the bedroom of their 2 bedrooms in the city. They only ever wanted 1 child so you can imagine the burden my brother and I were to them. My Mothers family are not the warmest you'll met. They are the sort where you get what you give first. No favors unless you are owed one. My Mother came to see my brother ever so often. I was locked in the bedroom until she lifted.

  There was one day that came as I cried my little eyes out my cousin lifted the door unlocked for me. When I heard my mother, I ran out to see her that was pretty much the end of me not seeing her. And the beginning of something else. I knew my mother was very unhappy with the way things were going in our life. So, this is what she did after she found out that my father was going to do 10 years. She sold everything as they let him out on bail he fled. Back to Paraguay with the money that she got form everything that made our life a good one. Then we were next. She had to somehow convince my aunt to let us go with her last minute.

  My Aunt looked as though she was not happy with the fact that my mother showed up like that at the school as it let out. And she made sure my mother planned on bring us back at a certain set time. Or she would be in trouble. Of course, at this point my mother's plan was already in motion. And none the wiser. Well once we were in the taxicab, as if I knew what was going on I turned as the cap took off and stuck my tong out at my aunt!!! 
   

 But I had no idea what was in store for me. I would be set on a journey of a lifetime. With the anticipation of seeing my father again for the Frist time after 2 years, and the anticipation of going to a new place that was so vary far away! This place was called Paraguay Andy I would come to love this place as if it where my own home. 

    I would learn the language and come to love the life I would have there. Once we arrived. But before then we had to get out of the US before we were found out! And my mother needless to say was a nervousness wreak! And with good reason since the police were after us at this point. And more than likely put our faces out on the wanted list pint he computer systems. Right as we were getting on the plan is when I was finally told where I was going, and I was varying excited!! Now the story of my life in South America is for another time, this story is about the events that broke me.  And if I find in appropriate, I will fit in some events in between. 

    For example, that brief story about my father. Which was indeed the pivotal point in which my life Begins to spiral downhill. See it was not only what my father had done that set the spirals into motion, no, no! It was also what I had contributed to that incident. The whole reason we were taken from my mother is that I told the authorities that were questioning me. That I could tell them anything because my mother told me not to. 

    I mistook them for friends who wanted to help me. When in reality they just wanted to put my father away for a long time.  I ended up telling them what they wanted to know and in the process was taken from my mother placed with the uncles. And then escaped form it with my Family to start a new life together. Away from the US.

   What happened to me by my father was just open of many things in my life. Times will arise in every woman's life when she has to make a choice. To continue on her path knowing full well what awaits. Because every woman knows what she is getting into before she does. We either convince ourselves that it's 1 not true or 2 we can change it. But this is so not the case. Yes, people change. But it's very rare. And takes lots of work! In my case there was no changing what was to come.  
  
    We as women tend to suffer in slice, for the sake of our children, with the belief that we are doing what is best for them. With the belief that they are unaffected by our situation... untouched by it, untainted by it. But deep down, way, way down... we tell it to ourselves, we admit it to ourselves. WE are worth more than this...aren't we? The truth is YES, WE ARE!! We always were. But we needed to put down our fear of starting over with X number of children. And we need to go ahead and make that decision that will better, not only our lives, but that of our children as well.
  
   It's that admission that is the hardest one to make to ourselves. And why do we feel this way. Well, I can't speak for all of the Women of this world, However I can speak for me. And with my three little angles, that did not ask to be here, deserved better then, ''I'm busy with more important things'' or ''I just don't have the time today'' I unfortunately go on and on, with the numerous different things that goes on in one's head to justify such behavior. But that Is not what this story is about. A this is about the events that broke me. So let me tell you about my second event.

    Once we moved back to the states my mother settled us in Miami beach. Or at least what I thought was us settling. And boy did I love that state, and still do. To this day I dream of going back to live there. My Family for the Frist three years lived in a hotel called Ocean Grande. And there my father worked 15 hours a day and my mother work in the hotel cleaning. Fast forward a bit and we reach the final point in my mother's patients with what she said was my father infidelities. Which I don't believe. But she demanded we move to Ohio.

    And that we did. And after a few years of happy living. My Father bought my brother a car. And with that car he put illegal head lights, bluer head lights. And after my father told hm to take them off many times he was finally pulled over. And when they found the car registered to my father. Instead of just telling them he bought it from a friend or something, no ...of course not!!! He thought it best to take them right to him!!! And once the 4 cop car he brings to my father came to take him away. I was left alone. Again, after just beginning to feel normal.

   Once we got home and had to tell my mother what had happened, she had a meltdown. Then went to work trying to plan another escape. But was too late for that this time. They said since he ran the Frist time, he would run again, and they were not going to change it. My mother even went to the trouble of getting people form the Congregation to write a petition for him to be released. Even some very good people who were close to us told them they would go as far as to risk their home. But it was not enough. And after a week went by and the day came for my Father to be released or sent back to Jersey where it had happened, He was picked up and sent back.

   There goes my ''normalcy'' there goes my head.... my mind, and all of the bad drams I thought gone happy to welcome me back. Back into the darkness alone. Unable to speak to anyone about it. Unable to relay on my own Mother for support. Since all she had time for was her own sorrow. And my brother was too busy with his own life to worry about us. We were not his responsibilities, as he so nicely put it to my mother as she begged him to stay and help with the rent for a little while. No, I couldn't, nor did I have the desire to speak to him about it.

  There goes my mind. Wondering down the rabbit hole. Here come the bad dreams, and no one to help me overcome this at the tender age of 15. I had to shield my mother form my pain. And cook and clean, because she was too weak. Too busy with her sorrow to help do anything. After. While I found shelter in my older friends. Ones that went to my Congratulation. They helped take my mind off of the dark things of the past that, had sunk its way back into my life. I would spend the night away form my mother. With my friends. And I would be ok for that time I was away.

   But you can't stay away forever even though I tried desperately to do just that. One of me very good friends was an older lady that lived comfortably with her olde husband. Their children were grown and had nice lives of course being raised well. They went as far as to ask if they could adopt me!! And of course I was super excited about it. Thinking this is it!!!! The freedom from the chains that bind me. Freedom from the past that hounded me every second I was in that house. But of course, my mother would not hear of it. I understand why. However sometimes we have to let go. But she didn't and so continues the spiral.

   As my father served his 10-year sentence, My Mother and I had to move away from the nice neighborhood we were living in. So, the day we received a call saying the house we were building was done, we had to move to a MUCH LESSER appealing place. I did wright my father every day for a few months then, after taking on the responsibility of keeping my mother alive I grow tired of writing all was well.... because it just wasn't. My Mother began to slip into a depression. And took pills to sleep, when she couldn't cope. Which was every day. And sometimes I would find her on the floor trying her best to leave this place.

     I know almost every ambulance team in that area, and a lot of the Doctors in the ER. I also became my Mothers Power of Attorney. And after all that had transpired, my brother still came around ever so often. And when he would call and I would be in the hospital, he would have the nerve to ask why I hadn't called him. Well because you only care about you, that much was made quit brutality clear when he bailed. He found us an inconvenient burden. Once he knew for sure that my father was not to return to us, he left as soon as he could. Even after my mother bagged him to stay. So, this is why I don't have the time to chase someone who doesn't give a crap about his own family. 

  I had to fix everything I was the parent because she could not cope. So, I had to deal with everything. A 16-year-old left to carry the full weight of a family that was torn apart by a choice. So, I had choices to make as well. And I began to change. The Frist was to disassociate myself with ones that just brought us down. And just wanted to gain form our situation. My brother came to live with us because he couldn't make it on his own after a year had passed. My Mother had always had a soft spot for him. Even thought he was the oldest and always left us behind. 

    He was always in the street, ever since I can remember. When we were back in Miami, we could never find him. He was always about him and his interests, always out for his own gain. He came to stay with us for a few months. And he only wanted to privilege of the free rent. As it was agreed with my mother to pay some of the bills. But each time it came around for him to do so he had an epic excuse. And every time I spoke to him, he would become aggressive. At the time we thought it was out of the guilt he felt for wheat he had done.

   See we all moved to Ohio and began a nice life. But my father decided to buy him a car. And since he was still wanted by the law, which we had no idea of at the time. He made a choice that was not the best, even thought my mother told him not to. And he was stopped by the police one day because he had illegally put colored lights on it. And instead of telling them, he bought it off someone he made the choice to lead them right to where my father was. And so, we thought for years that, that was the very reason he abandoned us. That he felt to blame and couldn't live with it. We were wrong.

  My Brother, who happens to be my... had a very violent Father. Who she left. He was both verbally and physically abusive toward her. After so long she became tired of him and divorced him. That's when she gets my father. After a year or so my Brothers Father ended up in a mental hospital. And there he died. 

    No one knows how long he was in there for his issues, but once my brother found out that his father had past, he became more aggressive toward us. And even more distant form us. Which after all he had done was ok with me.

  Those are the short stories of the men that made not so grate choices, that affected my perception of men in general. A girls most influential examples of men in life are her brothers and her father figures. Or at least that's how I see things now. And the ones I had were not the best. And so, over the years I would attach myself to mother and father figures. And it will also affect my ability to make the right choice.
 
   I was beginning to feel ok again once my mother and I began to put the pieces together. I was feeling a little better, I had friends at school, and at our church. My mom thought she would help me though, with one in particular. He was a nice guy. He was much older than me what the time I was 16 and he was 23. He had his own company and because he did my mom thought it was best for me to marry him. So, I would not have a hard life. And I would be able to shop all day as she enthusiastically put it to me. 

   So, time went on and I obeyed her wishes. Which I knew deep down this was for her and not me. But I didn't care either way. She only cared about bettering our situation. And he had the money to do it with. So, I began a relationship with this man. We spoke on the phone most of the time. I was still in school however, when I came home from school, I would have messages form him waiting for me. As I grew to love him, my mother grew to become indifferent toward things.

   See we became quite close however we did not in any way shape or form have any intimate contact not even a kiss. Even though he wanted to. I thought it was a romantic notion to kiss once we became married. But one day he bought me a beautiful necklace and kissed me without my permission. And my feelings at that point became confused. I shared my feelings with my mother, and she decided to end it cold turkey. Keep in mind if you will this man and I were spending lots of time together, and I had developed feelings for him.

  But that didn't matter to her. No, she decided to end us and since I was young, I had no control over this choice. Just as I didn't have the choice of who she picked for me. I had no choice in ending it. I was vary hurt, by the whole situation!!! Imagine being pushed into a relationship with someone you didn't even know existed! Then to have that person taken form you!!! I was angered with my mother!!! So, agree that I planned to hurt her for as long as I saw fit!!!!

   Only the way I chose to hurt her, also hurt me. But I was willing to put myself out there as long as she paid for what she did to me. After all I did for her!! I helped her put the pieces torn form us back together! I helped save her life 4 times after she tried to take pills to end it!! And this is what thanks I got form her!!! Well since I was the only person there to care for her. I made choice not to be any longer.

   So, I started to spend less time at church and home and spend more time with my friends at school. This choice would affect both my mother and me. I met some girls that were always in the street, and always with boys. Through them I met ''him'' the one that would ruin me! I won't say his name or will I validate him as anything more then a mistake. Since after all that is what he was. The only three little things I value that he gave me are my children. And nothing more than that!! Yes, it's true they say your Frist love is the one that always comes back into your life., it's the one that sticks in some situations people return with them. NOT IN MINE!!! He was and will always be a mistake!!

   I met him in the lunchroom at school, I we 16 and stupid. We spent lots of time together, we had the same friends, and we liked the same things. But he was trouble and not to be trusted. I didn't want to be alone with him for the Frist few weeks I knew him. I would always take one of my friends with me whenever we would go someplace. After 2 years we spent the night together. And I stayed with him ever since that day. He was my first real boyfriend, and I wanted him to be the last. But time would prove that irrelevant after a few years.

  This "Man" I decided to chase to the ends of the earth, was not in the least bit interested in me. Not after he got what he wanted of course. Oh, sure I held all the cards in the deck. Until that faithful day. It was my senior   prom, and I wanted everything to be perfect. I remember a specific bad choice I made. I chose to give myself to him at senior prom. Of course, being as young as we were no hotel would rent to us. And getting busted in the park with my dress halfway off was not cool either. That officer that busted us red handed and exposed for lack of a better description, well that officer man me feel like a cheap hoe. 

      And well in that situation who could blame the officer for his thoughts of me. He told me I was worth more than a bang in the park. And said he should get me a hotel at least. Then looked me in the eye and said ''You will regret this''. I of course was completely blind. And completely young, and completely stupid. I at the time only wanted to hurt my mother .... because of some unwanted advice she gave that lead to an unwanted relationship, that ended with much unwanted pain. Pain that me a long time to recuperate form. So, I wanted to get her back. And the way to do that was to ruin my life. How stupid I was!!!

    But I digress, and during that short time I ran away a lot!! And disrespected my mother at every turn. She would say to me many time ''My roof my rules'' so I would leave. I would stay with friends. And she would send the cops out to find me all the time. My boyfriend would take me out of the city so, there was no finding me! I felt a rush of power over her pain. That made me happy. I was vengeful and agree. And the pay back was a sweet taste of victory to me. The last time I ran way I yelled at her and called her out of her name!!

   She forbade me form going out of town with him and I told her to shove it in so many words!! I felt so bad after ward, but it was a necessary pain I wanted to get her to feel. A very specific pain, the as the one she had me endure for 2 on this I was saddened by her separating me form the other guy, that I was going to make sure she felt that same pain with this guy. That same loss of control I suffered, she would also. So, I went but she told ''Be sure you don't come back'' and I said ''Good then'' that was the last time I would live there.

  Once we returned, I told my boyfriend I had no home to return to. And that I chose him over her. And he took me by the hand and lead me to his house. Where his patients lived, and where his 3 brothers lived. I was very embarrassed to say the least. But that was my home now and forever is what I thought. He started to work, and I went to school for a few months. Once I turned 18, I dropped put and we took over the apartment. His parents moved out and we stayed there. And so, I became a housewife at 18.

  After 2 years of living with him and tolerating his abuse, I began to feel trapped. We at that point had a son. And I felt that it was not in his best interest if I left. I also didn't want my mother and my god patients to tell me I told you so. He would go completely nuts if I was to say anything to him about his drinking, or his staying out late. After only a year he began to hit me. And leave marks that I would try to cover up. I wanted to leave but I felt like I could change him back. Since this was a new behavior.

    But I failed. He continued over the years to hit me and, throw things when he became angry. I would call for my mother in tears but never give in to leaving him. I wanted to marry him and thought once I had his baby things would change. They did not!! They got worse!! He would hit me in front of my baby, as if it was no big deal! After our son turned 2, I was pregnant with another, or at least what I thought was another. However, I found out I was pregnant with twins!! A boy and girl. I was the happiest person...only things were not going well with us at that time.
 

 See he would drink a lot all the time and go out with his friends and leave us with no food and no car! We would be hungry, and I thank God for my godfather. If it was not for him, I don't know if I would have made it through the that. Sometimes I would be waiting for him to get home for work to take us shopping and he would call 12 am and tell me, that he was in another state!! That he had to take his friend! I was always so upset, but happy to know he was safe at the same time.

    This just got worse!! The hitting the braking stuff when he would go into a rage!! And I would always say to myself ''It's my fault, I pushed him'' THAT IS A LIE!! And it's one I'll never tell myself again.

   I decided that after about 10 years give or take a few, I was completely done. There was no more of me left to give or to hurt to feel or even tires to cry. I have been with this "Man" since I was but 16 and a Junior in high school bright eyed and in love. Yes, I was in love with the idea of love. And he was, well not.

 
   And it took me a long time to break myself form this crazy ride. I was so tired of packing the kids in the car and running to find where he was, after a while I just reached the point where I decided I didn't care anymore. Wherever he was that's where he wanted to be, and it wasn't with his family!! And that broke my heart over and over. one day I said enough. And moved my children and myself out!!!

  Of course, he just had to get me one more time!!! It had already been so long since we were even together in an intimate way...I was ready to end it. When he decided to run from our problems, and where did he run? Well after 3 days of not hearing for him, he finally called and told me he was in Mexico and dint know if he would return. 

   Do you think he asked about his kid?!! NO!! He asked me to help him find his suitcases if you can believe that!!! Well, I found his bag and asked him if he knew yet when he would return, the next day he called me. And he said he didn't think he would! That for me was the ABSOLUTE END!! I took my stuff and moved back with my mother.