The End of My Childhood 2003-2013

  It's 2003 we live in Ohio, I am 15 years old. that admission that is the hardest one to make to ourselves. And why do we feel this way? Well, I can't speak for all of the Women of this world, however, I can speak for myself. And with my three little angles, that did not ask to be brought into this terrible situation, deserved better than, ''I'm busy with more important things'' or ''as he put it. I just don't have the time today'' I can, unfortunately, go on and on, with the numerous different things that go on in one head to justify such behavior. But that Is not what this story is about either. Not yet anyway. This story is about the events that broke me. So let me tell you about my SECOND EVENT or what I like to call deuxieme evenement (French).

     I am getting ahead of myself, let me take a step back. Once we moved back to the states my mother settled us in Miami beach. Or at least what I thought was us settling. I was 11 years old, but after we iced there for 4 years she found her other my uncle and moved us Ohio. Which was her excuse. To this day I dream of going back to live there. A little detail of my life there..it was a happier time, my family for the first two years lived in hotel called Ocean Grande inn Miami. And there my Father worked for a restaurant as a master chef 15 hours a day and my mother work on a ship called the pink flamingo, so she would be gone for days. 

 Fast forward a bit and we reach the final point in my mothers patients with what she said was my Father infidelities. Which I didn’t believe I figured she would never leave him, and at this point I am 13 and don’t  care about him anymore I didn’t ever see him anyway. But one day we awaken to a young lady knocking on the door asking for my father as she holds a new born and after that we moved to Ohio in a matter of months. It was never confirmed to me weather her or not hat was my half brother or sister.

    And so moved we did, did I mention that I had a room with a lock while we lived in Miami? And there was a reason for that, see even though I am living with this person I call dad, I do not trust him and so I asked my mother for a room with a door and lock. If she wanted to stay with him, I needed to feel protected. And I did. Things relaxed for a while after that no incidents. I was happy.

      Once we moved to Ohio we lived with my uncle for a while. I was o the floor again in the living room. And I didn’t mind it much. My then aunt whom my uncle left his wife my old aunt for was. Running an orphan type house. And I kept to myself mostly. Even though I didn’t have a room, I was safe. For the time being.

 We moved in to an apartment an my mom kept the only available room free for when my bother came to visit which was never. While I slept on the futon in the living room. One day, I wasn’t all the way asleep, and my father came in and stated to touch my private area. He was caressing it. I didn’t understand at first then I turned away. And he left. This happened again 3 or 4 times. I finally tell my mother, she says she will leave him, as we are all walking to the bus stop. I begged her to shut up and not say anything or I wouldn’t trust her with anything ever agin! And that I blamed her for this!

She asked me what I wanted her to do since she knows now she has to do something. I told her t give me that dame room and let me lock my door at night. He wouldn’t dare try something in the day time. He did this while I slept. She agreed , and from that day on where ever we lived I had a room with a lock on it.

And after a few years of living a happy life with my mom and dad. My Father bought my brother a car. And with that car he put illegal head lights, blue head lights. And after my father told hm to take them off many many times he was finally pulled over. And when they found the car registered to my father’s name instead of just telling them he bought it form a friend or something he thought it would be a good idea to take them right to him! And once the 4 cop cars he brought arrived they took my dad  away. 

I was left alone. Again after just beginning to feel normal.

   Once we got home and had to tell my mother what had happened she had a total melt down. Then went to work trying to plan another escape. But it was too late for that this time. They said since he ran the first time he would run again and they were not going to chance it. My mother even went to the trouble of getting people form the Congregation to write a petition for him to be released. 

Even some vary good people who where close to us told them they would go as far as to risk their home. But it was not enough. And after a week went by and the day came for my Father to be released or sent back to NY where the incident had happened, He was picked up and sent back.

 I wrote my father every day, I took care of my mother everyday, unlike my older bother I didn't run away. There goes my ''normalcy'' there goes my head.... my mind, and all of the bad dreams. I thought gone happy to welcomed me back. Back into the darkness alone. Unable to speak to anyone about it. Unable to relay on my own mother for support. Since all she had time for was her own sorrow. And my brother was too  busy with his own life to worry about us. We were not his responsibilities, as he so nicely put it to my mother as she begged him to stay and help with the rent for a little while. No I couldn't nor did I have the desire to speak to him about it.

There goes my mind. Wondering down the rabbit hole. Here come the bad dreams, and no one to help me over come this at the tender age of 15. I had to shield my mother form my pain. And cook and clean, because she was too  weak. To busy with her sorrow to help do anything.But who was there for me? After while I found shelter in my older friends. Ones that went to my Congratulation. They helped take my mind off of the dark things of the past that , had sunk its way back into my life. I would spend the night away form my mother. With my friends. And I would be ok for that time I was away.

   But you can't stay away forever even though I tried desperately to do just that. One of my very good friends was an older lady that lived comfortably with her husband. Their children where grown and had nice lives of course being raised well. They went as far as to ask if they could adopted me! And of course I was super excited abut it. Thinking this is it! I will finally have the life I deserve. The freedom form the chains that bind me. Freedom form the past that hounded me every second that I was in that house. But of course my mother would not hear of it. She was jealous of the relationship between Melinda and I. Melinda was a real mother and she was not, this she knew all too well. And though I understand her, I also understand that something you have to let go of that which you love most so they may have a better life than you can provide. 

Sometimes we have to let go. But she didn't and so continues my spiral down the rabbit it whole.

   As my father served his 10 year sentence, My mother and I had to move away form the nice neighborhood we were living in. So the day we received a call saying the house we were building was done we had to move to a less appealing place to live. I did wright my father everyday for a few months then, after taking on the responsibility of keeping my mother alive I grow tired of writing all was well....because it just wasn't. My mother began to slip into a depression and suicidal tendency’s and took pills to sleep, when she couldn't cope. Which was  everyday. And sometimes I would find her on the floor trying her best to leave this place.

     I know almost every ambulance team in that area, and a lot of the Doctors in the ER. I also became my Mothers Power of Attorney. And after all that had transpired, my Brother still came around ever so often. And when he would call and I would be in the hospital, he would have the nerve to ask why I hadn't called him. Well because you only care about you, That much was made quit brutality clear when he bailed. He found us an inconvenient burden. Once he knew for sure that my Father was not to return to us, he left as soon as he could. Even after my Mother bagged him to stay. So this is why I don't have the time to chase someone who doesn't give a crap about his own family.   I had to fix everything I was the parent because she could not cope. So I had to deal with everything. A 16 year old left to carry the full weight of a family that was torn apart by a choice. So I had choices to make as well. And I began to change. The First was to disassociate myself with ones that just brought us down. And just wanted to gain form our situation. My brother came to live with us because he couldn't make it on his own after a year had past. My Mother had always had a soft spot for him. Even thought he was the oldest and always left us behind. 

    He was always in the street, as far back as I can remember. When we where back in Miami in 1996 we could never find him. He was always about him and his interests , Always out for his own gain. He came to stay with us for a few months. And he only wanted to privilege of the free rent. As it was agreed with my Mother to pay some of the bills. But each time it came around for him to do so he had another  epic excuse. And every time I spoke to himself he would become aggressive. At the time we thought it was out of the guilt he felt for wheat he had done. See we all moved to Ohio and began a nice life. But my father decided to buy him a car . And since he was still wanted by the law, which we had no idea at the time. He made a choice that was not the best, even though my mother told him not to. 

ONE day my brother was stopped by the police one day because he had illegally put colored lights on his car. Instead of telling them he had no idea who the car belonged to and taking responsibility himself, or something like...he bought it off someone he made the choice to lead them right to where my father was. And so we thought for years that that was the vary reason he abandoned us. That he felt to blame and couldn't live with it. We where wrong.

  My brother who happens to be my half brother....had a vary violent father. Who she left. He was both verbally and physically abusive toward her. After so long she became tired of him and divorced him. That's when she met my father. All I know about his father is that he was very violent and threatened my mothers with her life when she was pregnant with my brother. There is a story my mother would always tell me about how he put his hand through a wall right by her head one day and that was that  for her after a year or so he ended up in a mental hospital. And there he died. My mother was so curl as to wait until my brother was in his 30s before she told him who his father was and were he could find him, by the time he found him he was already dead.

    No one knows how long he was in there for his issues, but once my brother found out that his father had a past, he became more aggressive toward us. I blame my mother for that. I feel that telling him made him feel even less apart of our family. And this I felt like he took out on both of us but more so on me. Over the years he drew even more distant form us. Which after all he had done was ok with me.

 That is the short stories of the men that made not so grate choices that affected my perception of men in general. A girls most influential examples of men in life are her brothers and her father figures. Or at least that's how I see things now. And the ones I had were not the best. And so over the years I would attach myself to mother and father figures. And it will also affect my ability to make the right choices. ''I have been trying not to become my mother my whole life only to become my mother'' this is something I hope not to regret one day.

 

   I was beginning to feel ok again once my mother and I began to put the pieces together. I was feeling a little better, I had friends at school, and at our congregation. My mom thought she would help me though, with one in particular. He was a nice guy. He was much older than I. At this time I was 17 and he was 25. He had his own company and because he did my mom thought it was best for me to marry him. So I would not have a hard life. So time went on and I obeyed her wishes. Which I knew deep down this was for her and not for me. She only cared about bettering our situation. And he had the money. So I began a relationship with him. We spoke on the phone most of the time. I was still in school when I came home from school I would have messages form him waiting for me. As I grew to like him. And my mother grew to become indifferent toward things. She changed her mind about me marring him and told our Elders about it and they stopped us on the day I was to accompany him to pick up my engagement ring. I came home from school he called me to break  things off and that was the end. I was hurt not by him, by my mothers indifference towards my pain. When thins whole thing was her idea!

  But that didn't matter to her. No she decided to end us and since I was young I had no control over this choice. Just as I didn't have the choice of who she picked for me in the first place. I had no choice in ending it. Imagine being pushed into a relationship with someone you didn't even know existed! Then to have the rug pulled from under you form you!!! I was angry with my mother!!! So angry that I planed to hurt her for as long as I saw fit!!

   Only the way I chose to hurt her, also hurt me. But I was willing to put myself out there as long as she paid for what she did to me. After all I did for her!! I helped her put the pieces torn form us back together! I helped save her life 4 times after she tried to take pills to end it. And this is what thanks I got form her. Well since I was the only person there to care for her. I made choice not to be any longer.

  So I started to spend less time at congregation and home, and spend more time with my friends from school. This choice would affect both my mother and myself. I met some girls that where always in the street, and always with boys. 

Through them I met ''him'' the one that would ruin me! I won't say his name or will I validate him as anything more than a mistake. Since after all that is what he was. The only three little things I value that he gave me are my children. And nothing more than hen that. Yes it's true they say your first love is the one that always comes back in to your life it's the one that sticks in some situations people return with them. NOT IN MINE!!! He was and will always be a my mothers punishment!

  I met him in the lunch room at school, I was 15 and stupid. We spent lots of time together, but I didn’t start dating him until I was 17. We had the same friends, and we liked the same things. But he was trouble and not to be trusted. I didn't ant to be alone with him for the first few weeks I knew him I would always take one of my friends with me when ever we would go someplace. After 2 years we spent the night together. And I stayed with him ever since that day. He was my first real boyfriend, and I wanted him to be the last. But time would prove that irrelevant after a few years.

 This "Man" I decided to chase to the ends of the earth, was not in the least bit interested in me. Not after he got what he wanted of course. Oh sure I held all the cards in the deck. Until that faithful day. It was my junior prom, and I wanted everything to be perfect. I remember a specific bad choice I made. I chose to give myself to him. Of course being as young as we were no hotel would rent to us. And getting busted in the park with my dress half way off was not cool either. 

That officer that busted us red handed and exposed for lack of a better description, well that officer man me feel like a cheap hoe. And well in that situation who could blame the officer for his thoughts of me. He told me I was worth more than a bang in the park. And said he should get me a hotel at least. Then looked me in the eye and said ''You will regret this''. I of course was completely blind. And completely young, and completely stupid. I at the time only wanted to hurt my mother...because of some unwanted advise she gave that lead to an unwanted relationship, that ended with much unwanted pain. So I wanted to get her back. And the way to do that was to ruin my life. 

How stupid I was!

    But I digress, during that short time I ran away a lot!! And disrespected my mother at every turn. She would say to me many time ''My roof my rules'' so I would leave. I would stay with friends. And she would send the cops out to find me all the time. My boyfriend would take me out of the city so there was no finding me! 

I felt a rush of power over her pain. That made me happy. I was vengeful, and agree. And the pay back was a sweet taste of victory to me. The last time I ran way I yelled at her and called her out of her name!! She forbade me form going out of town with him and I told her to shove it in so many words!! I felt so bad after ward but it was  necessary pain I wanted to get her to feel. A vary specific pain similar to the one she had me endure. I was going to make sure she felt that same pain. The same loss of control I suffered she would. So I went but she told me to ''Be sure you don't come back'' and I said ''good than'' that was the last time I would live there. Or at least that what I thought.

  Once we returned I told my boyfriend I had no home to return to and that I chose him over her. And he took me by the hand and lead me to his house. Where his patients lived, and where his 3 brothers lived. I was vary embarrassed to say the least. But that was my home now and forever is what I thought. He started to work, and I went to school for a few months. Once I turned 18 I dropped out to have a baby. And we took over the apartment . His parents moved out and we stayed there. And so I became a house wife at 18.

  After 2 years of living with him and tolerating his abuse, I began to feel trapped.we at that point had a son. And I felt that it was not in his best interest if I left. I also didn't want my mother and my god patients to tell me I told you so. He would go completely nuts if I was to say anything to him about his drinking, or his staying out late. After only a year he began to hit me. And leave marks that I would try to cover up. I wanted to leave but I felt like I could change him back. Since this was a new behavior. But I failed. 

He continued over the years to hit me and throw things when he became angry. I would call for my mother in tears but never give in to leaving him. I wanted to marry him and thought once I had his baby things would change. They did not!! They got worse !! He would hit me in front of my baby, as if it was no big deal! After our son turned 2 I was pregnant with another, or at least what I thought was another. However I found out I was pregnant with twins!! A boy and girl. I was the happiest person...only things were not going well with us at that time.

  See he would drink a lot all the time, and go out with his friends and leave us with no food and no car! We would be hungry, and I thank god for my godfather. If it was not for him I don't know if I would have made it through the that . Sometime I would be waiting for him to get home for work to take us shopping and he would call 12 am and tell me , that he was in another state !! That he had to take his friend! I was always so upset , but happy to know he was safe at the same time. This just got worse!! The hitting the braking stuff when he would go into a rage!! And I would always say to myself ''It's my fault, I pushed him'' THAT IS A LIE!! And it's one I'll never tell myself again.

   I decided that after about 10 years give or take a few, I was completely done. There was no more of me left to give or too hurt to feel  or even tires to cry. I have been with this "Man" since I was but 16 and a Junior in high school bright eyed and in love. Yes I was in love with the idea of love. And he was, well Not. 

   And it took me a long time to break myself form this crazy ride. I was so tired of packing the kids in the car and running to find where he was, after a while I just reached the point where I decided I didn't care anymore. Where ever he was that's where he wanted to be and it wasn't with his family!! And that broke my hart over and over one day I said enough. And moved my children and myself out!!!

  Of course he just had to get me one more time!!! It had already been so long since we where even together in an intimate way...I was ready to end it. When he decided to run form our problems, and where did he run? Well after 3 days of not hearing for him, he finally called and told me he was in Mexico and dint know if he would return. Do you think he asked about his kid?!! NO!! He asked me to help him find his suit cases if you can believe that!!! Well I found his bag and asked him if he knew yet when he would return , the next day he called me. And he said he didn't think he would! That for me was the ABSOLUTE END!! I took my stuff and moved back with my mother.

And then in 2014 I met "THE LOVE OF MY LIFE"